For the past few days I’ve felt very pent up and stir crazy. I’ve been fighting this disease for so long and I’m just so tired. We had a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday January 16th. While we were there at UCSF my GI Dr gave us the option to go to University of Minnesota to have the surgery done. He stated he felt 100% confident whether we decide to go to Minnesota or stay at UCSF. After a couple days of discussing it with my husband, Matt we decided to stay with UCSF.
I am on a couple Pancreatic pages on Facebook and I have never seen people voice anger. For the past two years I have been tired, sad, in pain and depressed. It wasn’t until the other day that all the repressed anger finally come to a head. I yelled, I screamed, cried, threw things, and I’m embarrassed to admit but even punched a door. (The door won) Honestly after I lost my shit I felt better. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
One thing I learned from that episode was I need to talk to people, I can’t keep all my emotions built up. I took my anger out on Matt that day. I am so lucky that he is so understanding. He knew it wasn’t about him. He was just the closest target. Matt has told me over and over that he’s there for me to talk to. And he is. He’s wonderful, but sometimes I feel like a broken record. I hate feeling like a burden to anyone, especially my family. I know I’m not, but I just can’t help how I feel sometimes.
My nightly routine pretty much consists of playing on my phone and watching American Dad. It’s mainly on for background noise. I watched it every night when I was in the hospital and just brought the habit home with me. I typically stay up till around 12:30am-2:30am and get up around 10:30-11:00am. Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Day and the kids and Matt have it off, we are planning on going to breakfast in the morning, It may be a bit difficult for me to eat out but I’m going to try.
I’m going to end for the night. It was a fairly good day, but by the end of the night after I’ve taken all my meds, I get a be wobbly and my vision gets blurry.
My goal is to put up a new post every Sunday and Wednesday. So please stay tuned. I will be updating my Pinterest board and adding new recipes and announcements!