Thoughts & Fears

I am going to open up like I never have before. In this post I'm going to share a dark part of my life that I battle almost every day.

I constantly feel like a burden to my family and friends. I call or text and feel like all I do is complain. I have to rely on my family to do the basic things. I know I shouldn't feel this way but, it's very hard not to. They seriously drop everything they are doing as soon as I walk into a room or if I stand up. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful, I just can't wait to have my life back.

I spend most of my day watching TV. I wish I could say I did something more exciting, but this is the sad truth. As I watch TV I see all these women with these amazing bodies and know I’ll never look like that. I know how shallow that may sound but, I use to work out five days a week. I ate healthy and work hard for the body I had. It wasn’t easy, and now my stomach is marked up and has scars. Even when I am able to work out again, I’ll never look the same, and it will never be beautiful.

Aside from always feeling exhausted, I hate how I feel emotionally. For the past three weeks I have been battling my depression even more. Just the other day I had finally gotten to the point of breaking down. Tears just streamed down my face. My body was hot, and my hair soaked with sweat, I was sobbing so hard it was hard to catch my breath. I tried to reach out for support, however I was beyond consolable at this point. I would go to different rooms of the house or sit in different places in the living room just trying to feel better, a change of scenery. But no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t shake the feeling of suicide.

I thought of different ways, different outcomes, destroying every memory of me so Matt could move on. I love my family very much and I want to live. There is still so much I want to see and do. I’m not finished here yet. I know all this, and I was telling myself those things while going through this.

I made a post on Facebook about suicide, and it was a cry for help. I needed help that day. I wasn’t going to take myself out of this world. I won’t. But I was in a very dark deep hole and I needed someone to help me.

Matt had to work late that day. When he got home, he sat down on the couch and pulled me on to his lap. I held on as tight as I could, and just cried. I told him about how I was feeling all day and the thoughts that were going through my mind. He listened without judgement. He held me tight and walked me through reason, not discounting my feelings at all. He was compassionate and understanding. The next day my sister in law came over to see me for a bit.

Over the past few days I have been better. This is mainly because my boys have been home. Tomorrow I will be alone again, and I just pray I can have a good week. I will be taking steps this week to help my mental health. A few of these are adjusting my medications, setting a schedule for myself, set jewelry design goals and reading more instead of watching TV.

I was very raw and real tonight, exposing a part of my life, what most would be ashamed to share. But I have chosen to open my life up to everyone and I feel you deserve the truth about what I go through. Thank you all for reading.

Love Sandee

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