One of my biggest problems is lying, lying to myself and lying to others about myself and how I am feeling. They ask me how I am doing, and I say I am okay. They ask me if I need anything and I say no I'm fine. They ask me how my day is, and I tell them it was a good day. But really, I'm not okay, I do need things and most the time my days are not only bad but horrible. I lie about these things because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I never want to make someone feel like they have to do something for me or any time I talk to them it's because I may need something. I never want pity from anyone, I know when people look at me that's what they see. I'm weak, I'm tired, I look sick, unless I put a little makeup on. I'm constantly lonely. I so badly want people to come and see me, hang out with me, sit next to me quietly and watch a movie. Sit down and maybe play a board game or cards, anything to get my mind off of what's going on. I have been reading a lot, turning off the TV, shutting everything out and just diving into books, and for those moments I get to envision a world without pain, or loneliness and for those moments I don't think about what's going on. I don't think about what may happen during surgery or what if for some reason somehow at the last minute I'm not able to have the surgery. What if I don't make it, what will my husband and my children do? Knowing that my dog will be constantly looking out the window, waiting at the door or running down the halls trying to find me.
When I lie about these things it's not in a vicious way, it's just trying to keep things as normal as I can. I am alone more than I am not, I try and get all the frustration and tears out before I see people. I try to hide the pain the best I can and can get pretty far with it till enough is enough. To me there is no sense in everyone being on eggshells waiting, watching, wondering if anything is going to happen. I would rather put on a big smile and move around to show people I'm okay. I know my limits and keep to them for the most part.
This is something we all do. We all try and be stronger than we are sometimes. Whether that’s because we don’t want drama, or we don’t want people to know the truth, or we just want to keep things to ourselves. We all do this, and our reasons are our own. I am not hurting anyone with my white lies. I know when I need help, and I ask for it. Even if it kills me to do sometimes. I’m not here to tell you I’m going to change and start talking more. Because the truth is, I probably won’t. I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it I hate feeling like a burden to people. No matter how many times people say I’m not, it doesn’t change the way I feel.
They always say things work out in their own time. Well, I have been having a really rough four weeks. My pain is non-stop, I’m confused more than not it seems, my stomach has had me rushing to the bathroom every morning. Because of all this obviously my blog is late. It takes a lot of effort and concentration when writing. I write about my life mostly which you’d think would be easy. But I can’t concentrate very well right now, I get very confused. In fact, I had to ask Matt where we were the other day in the store. I was almost scared, I quickly calmed down as Matt reached for my hand and walked through Pier One together.
Last night Matt and I were talking, and the subject of this week’s blog topic came up. I told him what I had written so far. I knew ahead of time he wasn’t going to be happy when he read it. But even if I offend, or make people mad with what I write, it’s how I feel, and this is my safe place. But anyway, I shared with him the main point of my blog, he then asked me if I ever lied to him. I unfortunately had to say yes. We had a really good talk, and it wasn’t only about what I wrote and how I am feeling. We talked about how deep our love is for each other is and that no matter how hard things get we’ve always pulled through, and we will again.
There is a new song out by Carrie Underwood, Cry Pretty. -
I'm sorry, but I'm just a girl
Not usually the kind to show my heart to the world
I'm pretty good at keeping it together
I hold my composure, for worse or for better
So I apologize if you don't like what you see
But sometimes my emotions get the best of me
And falling apart is as human as it gets
You can't hide it, you can't fight what the truth is
You can pretty lie and say it's okay
You can pretty smile and just walk away
Pretty much fake your way through anything
But you can't cry pretty
When I heard this song I just fell in love and this was actually the inspiration for this week’s blog.
Thank you all so much for your time and patience with me.