Updated: May 20, 2019
The other day I received some bad news. News that physically hurts the heart. The kind that makes your head spin so much and so fast that you think you might be sick. The kind of news that has you on your knees sobbing.
Earlier this week someone reached out to me on my Instagram page. This individual had recently been diagnosed with Pancreatic Disease and is in the hospital. I briefly told her my story and about my surgery in July. She told me that I was much stronger than her and she is scared of the road ahead. When I was in the hospital Matt would tell me, “soon this will all be last week".
And ya know what? He's right, eventually everything will be next week. This emotional pain I'm feeling now will be last week. Now, that doesn't change the fact that it still hurts.
Matt had a wonky schedule this week. He was home with me pretty much all day on Monday and then went in at midnight. During the day we talked, watched TV, and vegged out like we use to. I laughed so hard I had to beg Matt to stop because it was hurting me. It was well worth it. For the rest of the week I kept wanting to go back to Monday.
On Thursday we went to the movies to see Avengers End Game. I brought my walker along with a blanket and snacks that I could eat. I won’t give away any spoilers, but I will say this, I should have waited till I could rent it in my own home. Don't get me wrong it was a great movie. In my opinion I feel they could have done a better job considering it is the last one. But I could have watched 3 hours of static and been happy sitting right next to my Love.
This weekend is Mother's Day and as a project in Kodi's class he was asked to write about how he would feel if he didn't have his mom. As soon as Kodi told me this I immediately got upset. I know his teacher meant no harm, she doesn't know about me almost losing my life to this disease, how could she? Kodi is a fairly private individual and doesn’t share much. I'm positive she had no idea the can of worms she was opening.
As Kodi was telling me about this assignment he began to list off words like scared, depressed, and sad. his little voice cracks and his chin quivers, then, tears. Although we have been dealing with this as a family for 2 years, it's still very difficult when I think back to when I didn’t know if I was coming home or not. He remembers too and is still worried of what's still to come.
This morning I woke up to puppy kisses and nuzzles. After loving on Pippin for a couple minutes I saw Lincoln pop his head around the corner. He smiled, walked over, gave me a hug and wished me Happy Mother's Day. Soon I got up and went to see if Kodi was awake. Matt had already left for work but would be home later that afternoon. Shortly the three of us were sitting in the backyard.I was sipping on a cup of hot tea while Lincoln ate breakfast and Kodi played with his Skip-it. I'll tell you, that thing is so much harder as an adult! They had both given me the most beautiful cards. Lincoln wrote the sweetest words, and Kodi's was brightly colored and written in his best cursive (which he was very excited to point out).
After a few hours it was warming up and we decided to go inside. The boys played Mario while I relaxed on the couch and watched them play. That's one of my favorite things to do. I love watching them go back and forth with each other like brothers do. They just make me so happy.
A bit later Matt came home, this is my favorite part of the day. We sat out back for a bit before the boys joined us. We shared about our day and then Matt went to shower before dinner. Matt had given me a Mother’s Day card. He has never bought a card for me; they are always hand done. Nothing fancy, just a white piece of computer paper and his beautifully written words that only the heart could write.
Afterwards we had dinner together and watched Game of Thrones. Yes, I allowed my 9-year-old to watch it, I say watch loosely, he mainly played on his Nintendo Switch.
For my review on GoT tonight: Why?!
I’m not going to say any more than that.
Alright, well I'm going to call it a night.
BTW I think this is worth mentioning, I am finally at a healthy weight! My clothes are all fitting better and I have more energy. I still have a fairly good amount of pain but i have more energy than I did 4 months ago.