Depression has many faces 

On Friday night I was admitted to the hospital. According to the local hospital (not UCSF) I have pancreatitis. Matt and I looked at each other in shock. He told the dr uhm she doesn't have a pancreas, spleen or gallbladder. The dr was clueless. They did a ct on my abdomen and said my pancreas was inflamed. We never put too much faith in that hospital, so Matt called my surgeon and had him talk to that dr. What we believe is happening is im going through detox. Im on a titration program to ease off, but I think they cut too much too fast. Last July after my 22 day at UCSF, I had experienced withdrawal symptoms. The shakes, vomiting, upset stomach, sweats, all that. But this was new, something very different. We have been sleeping on our couch and I must have done something to my back. When I first woke up it was just like I slept wrong, a few hours later it was like menstrual back pain, then like pregnancy finally the worst pain I've ever felt in my life, even worse than my pancreatitis attacks. Honestly, it was that bad. I have no nails because I was digging them into the wall and carpet. We tried everything possible to bring my pain down. Finally when I went unconscious Matt called 911. Im doing better now. In fact an hour ago I was telling Matt this was this first time in 3 years ive not felt any pain. That lasted a couple hours. Now im awake and in discomfort. They aren't kidding about those phantom pains. But the back pain, that was a pain a never felt. And by the way, the hospital never did any imaging of my back, which was why I was there. Ive been very depressed and living in constant pain for 3 years now. Im tired of hurting. While at the hospital they ask me about a DNR. I told the dr I didn't want it. He said are you sure? I paused for several moments and said yes, I'm sure. Luckily Matt, who was talking to the nurse, over heard me and the dr and jumped in. Weird thing is, he thought we were talking about an Advance Directive. I stopped breathing later that night, I'm grateful I didn't sign it. Im grateful for my husband. Yesterday when we got home Matt set up the inversion table he bought to see if that helps. So far so good. I love it. Matt is enjoying it as well. He and Chubs inverted together. He does make me laugh.

Today, we spent the day cuddled up on the couch watching movies with the boys. It was the perfect ending to the start of a horrible weekend. And I have to put out there that my oldest not only called 911, but also kept our youngest calm and smiling while watching for the paramedics all, while holding his composure. We raised a great young man.

It's past 1am so im going to knock out. Love, Sandee #chronicpain #painbehindthesmile #butyoudontlooksick #depression #mentalhealth #checkonyourfriends

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