Over the past year Lincoln has grown and matured at a rapid pace. All the way from his self-care, to cooking, and making life choices that are difficult for even some adults. We have had many long talks and recently it occurred to me that we are going through the same things in life, but at different stages, him being 18 and me being 33. The things we are going through are pretty intense. One challenge we are facing together is the uncertainty of the coming year.
With Lincoln, he graduates from high school June 7th. After that he’s concerned of the next year and what it brings. As much as Matt and I have tried to talk to him and reassure him that its not scary, it’s exciting. It doesn’t matter, he has his own feelings and fears, and we understand that.
With me, I am terrified of the upcoming year. With my surgery less than 60 days away, I am getting more and more anxious. I am worried about the pain, the recovery, getting back to work, and just my over all adaption to this new way of life.
Last week was Muffins with Mom at Kodi's school. I have been extremely excited to go for weeks! Matt worked it out to be able to take me and bring me home before going into work.
Around 1am I started to feel pain, like a fool I thought it'd go away. It did not. (In my best Morgan Freeman voice) from that point on I was up and down all night.
6:15am, my alarm goes off. I take my meds and lay next to Pippin for a few minutes. The whole time giving myself a pep talk. You all know, the normal things; smile, bite your lip, say its allergies, DON’T CRY. I got up and proceeded to get ready in my bathroom, alone, away from anyone who could see the pain on my face. I think everyone can agree I have no poker face, about anything.
After a while Matt came in to check on me. He's no dummy, he saw right through the blush, and mascara. I immediately started to cry knowing that once again I've let one of my children down.
Kodi came in and just like the sweet boy he is, told me over and over "it's okay, it's not your fault, I’m okay " then forced me to get up and take my medicine
The thing about this disease is, most the time my pain is much worse than I actually say. My friends and family can’t do anything. I can only take so much medicine, then it’s heating pads and the couch. I have been using my walker almost everywhere I go. The good thing is at least I can carry a lot of stuff with me.
I recently found out my cousin on my dad’s side was having the same surgery I am getting ready to have. I have been following her progress very closely. It makes me feel good, but at the same time I read about her struggles and it terrifies me to the bone.
Matt and I moved from the couch back to our bedroom. It was nice to sleep in a bed again. I did wake up around 6am and was hurting pretty bad. I gave it till 7am and I took some meds. I’m not sure why I constantly wait till my pain is awful before I take something, its not like it’s just going to go away.
With that being said I am going to lay back and hope this pain settles down.